Well, I’ll be doggone. And soon enough, many dog owners will be, too. But my doggone is because I don’t have a dog. Yours? Because you do. Just jot a note in the back of your mind as you read. You’ll be reading another column when Colorado Democrats re-introduce — and pass — the tyrannical fleecing of pet owners known as House Bill 24-1163.

All this fiasco of state legislation will create is overcrowding of our already overcrowded pet shelters. Along with such new cottage industry creations known as Leapin’ Lizards Loving Living and the Peaceful Parrots Perfect Palace. Or choose your pet of choice’s new residence once you’re priced out of ownership — for your own good. You can bet your pet on it. And you’ll lose.

Don’t think so? I guess you haven’t been paying attention when the camel’s nose of government peeks under the tent. For which, of course, there will now be a fee on said camel.

I really can’t believe I have to write this column. Although this bill is shelved for the moment, it isn’t going away because my headline is a little misleading. Fact is, the government is barking up the right tree given the number of pet owners in our state. It’s too big a pile of money for legislators to just walk past. Naturally, they can’t keep their hands off of it.

To quote my favorite phrase from “The Godfather” — “There’s a lotta money in that $#!T, Pop.” Allow me to provide you the translation of what Democrats in Denver are actually saying to law-abiding pet owners: “Hey taxpayer, not Fido, sit down and shut up. Think of your dog.” Well, I don’t like taxes or shutting up. So I have to write this column. Sadly, to Democrat “leaders” in Denver, people are valued for two things— their vote and their tribute. In this case, it’s just another Democrat doing Democrat things named Regina English.

And to Ms. English, this is about tribute because she got enough votes and therefore gets to do what she pleases. As we all know, once voted into office, a politician knows, and can do, everything. If I had to guess, Ms. English is using this as her buy into the mob running our state with a new, cool, payola scheme. If it’s good enough to move up in the real mob, it’ll work with Democrats in our state capital. Although it’s being “postponed indefinitely,” trust me. Joey Bagadonuts is in the wings ready to collect when it is passed.

And it will pass eventually, because it’s a money maker from fees. You can raise “fees” on a whim sitting in the fat cat seat in Denver because you don’t need a vote of the people. And you can expect our “leaders” to extend those fees to every pet in existence and then charge by the pound. Then they’ll make you pay for their disposal once the government issues their certificate of death because you were forced to pay to register them. But for now, it’s just raining cats and dogs.

State Rep. English stated the bill’s original intent was about creating a “contingency plan” for people who have the nerve to outlive their usefulness of paying tribute and in society in general known as senior citizens. It was also about first responders’ safety so “pets” could be identified as “aggressive” with a specially colored collar so they know which pet to shoot first. I know my Luna  — my kitten from Roice Hurst — always aggressively sniffs everyone coming to my home.
So it’s not gonna end well for Luna when they finally come to get me.

More important is how do I know Ms. English isn’t being honest and it’s about the money and her career? My experience says most seniors and law-abiding pet lovers would pay the fee, however distasteful and wrong they know it is. Add to that Ms. English knows being an earner for the mob goes a long way with leadership. Then she made herself the all-caring victim with this beauty: “I would never intentionally want a piece of legislation that’s going to overburden, overtax and put the people of Colorado in financial distress. I didn’t know that it was going to get all the backlash. And you know, people wishing death on me, and wishing I would die with the bill is quite alarming. So I don’t take that lightly.”

But you did take it lightly, Ms. English. You intentionally introduced this bill knowing its ramifications on the budgets of the people of Colorado — and for state coffers. And then you added on with this load of kibble: “I always take things as a learning experience, and there’s room to grow and continue to evolve into an even greater leader and continue to represent the people of Colorado.” Hate to break it to you,
Ms. English, but you aren’t representing most people. This legislation makes you many things, but a leader isn’t one. That’s all in your elitist mind.

And then Ms. English added this carrot — no, not for your bunny — of wisdom: “This wasn’t an attack on pet owners, not by a long shot.” But I bet your next bill will be. After all, pet owners are now a danger to society. Unless they can pony up, that is.

Craig Hall is owner and publisher of the Business Times. Reach him at (970) 424-5133 or publisher@thebusinesstimes.com.