I recently was reminded of yet another servant leadership lesson. A speaker retold a story about a friction scientist and his quest to “teach” his wife the proper way to position toilet paper on the roller. As he calculated it, placing the toilet paper so it unrolls from the top was better than unrolling it from the bottom. “It’s 17 percent more efficient,” he contended.

This was obviously an issue the spouse either didn’t listen to or cared about. While I’m sure there were other, more serious reasons for marriage counseling, the toilet paper imbroglio came out in the open. 

Helping the couple sort through the reasons for its marital frustrations, the counselor asked the spouse to go first and express the key issues that had been simmering just below the surface. “It’s that damn insistence the toilet paper has to unroll from the top out.”

“How can that be a problem?” the scientist asked. “It’s 17 percent more efficient.”

“Who gives a … AAAAHHHH.” You could sense the palpable unease as the spouse stopped and struggled to calm herself.

Talking slowly, yet deliberately, through clenched teeth, the wife stated: “It really shouldn’t matter how efficient you were in getting the toilet paper. It should only matter you got some in the first place.”

“What matters,” she continued through those clenched teeth, ‘is that you never thanked me, not even once, for even putting the paper on the roll after you left it empty. For that matter, have you ever thanked me for cleaning the toilet?”

This story isn’t meant to offer an example of who’s responsible for what. This is a story about relationships. More importantly, it’s a story about those things that should matter most.

It’s about the way we sometimes overlook key relationships in our lives. Worse yet, we assume other people know how we feel all the time.

Relationships matter. We don’t live in a vacuum. We need each other. This column is about developing lasting relationships based on the true needs of others. And, frankly, that’s what servant leadership is all about.

The spouse demonstrated more servant leadership in the simple act of making toilet paper available than the husband’s instructions. While it’s possibly true you’re 17 percent more effective in the act of unrolling the paper, what’s the goal?

We sometimes get so confused and lost in the doing of a task we lose sight of the goal. Developing the right relationships and empowering people to act allows us all to reach the goal.

There will always be better and quicker ways to accomplish a task. But more often than not, our ways don’t resonate with others. While a little less efficient, their ways still get the job done.

Think about that the next time you’re emboldened to “teach” someone. If, in the long run, it doesn’t matter which way the paper unfurls, let it go. If you still feel compelled to unroll the paper a certain way, do it yourself or develop the correct process standards and process disciplines.

Relationships are what really matters, and there are infinitely more things in life that can be achieved through stronger relationships.