I got my Republican primary ballot in the mail the other day and all I can think of is, “Holy retro, Batman!” But I’m supposed to vote, and here’s a column to show you just how seriously I take most of these folks. But how serious can you be when the candidates don’t seem that way to me?

I might be coerced to vote for someone moving up the food chain in terms of jobs. But any other criteria I have is simple: It’s how I feel about the candidate. Yes, that’s correct, I’m voting like a Democrat. That, and I don’t trust most of these folks one whit.

I consider myself a pretty savvy guy when it comes to politics. But when I look at the ballot, there’s a bunch of folks I don’t know a thing about on there. And to be frank, I don’t want to give anyone I don’t know power over me. And that’s what elections do: give power to a bunch of power hungry folks hell bent on doing whatever the heck they want while telling you it’s in your best interest, all while having zero skin in the game, no financial obligation and no recourse or repercussions when the inevitable occurs — which would be whatever they did didn’t work and cost a boatload of money. Sadly, there are also names I do know.

United States senator: Cory Gardner. No idea who this guy is, but I think he’s held office either in Colorado or possibly Congress. I don’t really have time to read a dossier on this guy. But since it’s a step up and his last name isn’t Udall, he’s got my primary and general election vote.

Representative to the 114th United States Congress: Scott Tipton or David Cox. Fancy title for a bunch of know-nothing, do-nothing group of 435 guys who’ve let the president get away with murder the past six years, isn’t it? While I’m sure Tipton is gaining points for his “statements” decrying the obvious like the VA scandal and the Taliban for Taliban prisoner swap, he’s also done nothing to prevent or address any of these things. He’s also an incumbent, and I don’t vote for incumbents. So I’ll vote for Cox. Not because I know who he is, but because he’s not Tipton.

Governor: Beauprez, Tancredo and two other guys — one who might have been secretary of state. I’ll just be happy when the ads are done running. Someone needs to tell these guys that governors don’t create jobs and that all of the “I’ll fight the feds stuff” needs to stop. Until a state gets the cajones to get off the federal teet, they’ll all cave regardless of party. That said, there’s no way I vote for a retread who should be retired. And while the other two guys seem nice enough, I’ll go with Kopp since he rode a bike and didn’t share a moniker with Hillary Clinton. Can you tell I have no faith in politics? Except total faith that Tancredo will do something stupid to make sure another Democrat gets elected.

State treasurer, secretary of state, attorney general, board of education: I don’t care and no fill-in ovals for you! I’m sure one of these offices will bite my backside for that comment.

State senate: Ray Scott. After personal experience, I will not support this man in any election.

State representative: Dan Thurlow or Steve Acquafresca. Dan Thurlow was one of the toughest businessmen I’ve ever dealt with in my time here. He drove me nuts at times in our relationship. But he was fair and ethical. Enough said.

County commissioner: Scott McInnis. Are you freaking kidding me?

County clerk, treasurer and assessor: Whatever. Why do we vote for these folks anyway? Make it a full-time job or appointee, I don’t know. These seem to be elected for life kinda jobs as these folks jump from one office to another. That said, Ken Brownlee is a personal friend and I really like and trust the guy, so I’ll color in one oval.

County sheriff: John Pennington or Steve King. This is the most overblown job of the election. I’m not worried about setting up the Maginot Line against the feds, and that’s what this primary has become about. First off, the feds kick our butts and you can’t get rid of them with weapons or deputies, only by cutting off the spigot of tax money. Also, sheriffs don’t prevent crime. So Steve, I hope you do a good job. And if that tank of yours is somehow turned on the people, you’ll be killing me along with them.

County coroner: This seems to me as dead an issue as the other county and state-level “jobs” on the ballot. But it would be cool to elect one that actually used their arrest powers! Why is this a political job? Unless you;re a Democrat, in which case it doubles as a voter registration drive.

I realize this column could cost me some ads in the general election or in general later on. So be it. It’s a free country. The problem is, all too many of these folks who are lifers don’t see it that way. They look at these jobs more as a social experiment and, sadly, they’re the mad scientist. And I need to make a stand on that. Even if it only 900 words.