Vomiting on command strictly for politicians

Craig Hall, Publisher
Craig Hall, Publisher

How else can we explain what we hear out of our state capitals and Washington, D.C.? Just how our elected leaders and entrenched bureaucrats can binge and purge so effortlessly and methodically should be a warning sign to all of us: Because if anyone should be losing control of our bodily functions en masse, it should be the citizenry of this great nation.

Consider the University of Colorado’s definition of assault. Given that, we have every right to yell, bite, hit, vomit or urinate upon our public leaders for the attack on our personal liberties and rights.  And if that doesn’t work for you as an individual, Joe Salazar recommends bringing along a friend, whistling while you purge, doing it in a safe zone or just giving him a call on the hotline while being forcibly violated. Am I saying you should do this? Nope. But if someone did, I’d understand.

And just in case you thought you had heard it all, along comes Evie Hudak to tell us that shooting a man in the pills with a .357 magnum is not a deterrent to rape. I have just one question for these folks. Well, two questions. First, in what world does any of this stuff work? Second, has anyone with the last name of Salazar ever been elected that has any sense whatsoever?

Let’s look at the big picture of our porcelain-busting gut purge known as the sequester. I’m going to really slow for all those liberals, RINOs and big-government types who think the sequester is a spending cut. The federal government spends about $4 TRILLION a year. (Let’s forget for the moment that it only confiscates from its hard-working citizenry about $2.6 trillion a year, so it’s deficit spending at ever-increasing rates, particularly with Barack Obama in charge.) For this column’s purpose, we’ll round the government budget down to $40,000 for 2012.

With baseline budgeting in place, the government automatically spends more each year than it did the year before. Let’s make this 5 percent to keep things rounded. So for 2013, the federal budget would became $42,000 regardless of the amount of dollars in revenues the government steals through its ridiculous tax policy, tipping citizens upside down and collecting what falls out of their pockets or sneaking into our homes and keeping the change it vacuums out of our sofas. What the sequester does for 2013 is tell the government it will only have $41,622.00 to spend for 2013. This begs one question: Where’s the cut?

But if you listened to the politicians speak (between resting their heads on the cool, soothing marble floors of their luxury bathrooms in the Halls of Congress) you’d think the world was indeed coming to an end. Airline flights would be delayed, millions upon millions of jobs would be lost, “draconian” cuts would have to be hacked and slashed out of social services, every level of the federal government would be less efficient (as if it could be, then again they keep proving us wrong on that one, don’t they?) the hell mouth of the apocalypse itself would open, dogs and cats would be living together and yada, yada, yada. Just try and convince me that isn’t regurgitation to the umpteenth degree.

What’s worse is that many Republicans can now be seen sticking their Caligula feathers down their throats hoping to catch up with the running “gags” that seem to come so naturally to Democrats. Just look at the Republican governors across the country whose plumbing (and thinking) is clogged with the bile coming out of Washington. It’s the same 4 trillion reasons all politicians are banging on the stall doors that are occupied. All the money and power rests with the feds. Well, I should say “all the money that we don’t have, but yet can be printed” sure does. And if you’re a state and want your place at the Trough of the Great Vomitorium, you have to line up and shovel the other University of Colorado alternative to rape like the rest of them.

Between unfunded mandates, ever-increasing Medicare costs (thanks Obamacare) and other federal requirements for states to get their “fair share” of tax dollars back, governors are stuck going to the biggest loan shark of all: the federal government. And when it comes to assault, no one is better than the feds at violating the citizens and blaming it on the other party.

We’ve got enough problems in Colorado with the likes of (another) Salazar, the University of Colorado, our state budget and leaders, let alone the fact-deficient Hudak. We don’t need the feds adding more convulsions. But that’s why the Constitution is a couple of pages long and the Colorado Constitution is modeled after it. It’s so these folks would keep their noses out of our business and hands out of our wallets.

And if they want to regurgitate, let them go to Cancun and grab a few too many margaritas, bow to the porcelain goddess, rest their head on the cool marble and blame it on too much sun. At least down there everyone knows the real reason.