Many will read this and think, “Sounds like Craig needs to cunningly wax philosophic to extricate himself from a deplorable situation.” And while I used a similar line in referring to Barabas (oh, those old playwrights and their symbolism) in Marlowe’s, “The Jew of Malta” for a term paper more than 40 years ago, this column refers to nothing of the sort. Not even close.

My headline for this column refers to what used to be a couple of innocuous, one-way thoroughfares in good ol’ River City and the not-so-obvious hazards to public health, progress and our West Slope way of life these two roads represent.

Then again, this is what happens when you elect Democrats. It always becomes about monuments to their rule, doing something in the name of progress and the next shiny thing for which they can spend confiscated public funds. Envy of what “real, big cities do and we haven’t yet” is a powerful aphrodisiac to those who seek glory in cornerstones and in front of microphones.

I’m not saying plenty of Republicans don’t do it. We have the example of the second most famous theatergoer in Republican lore who abandoned our congressional district for safer passage to re-election after going scorched-earth on the folks who squeaked her in the last go-round. But if we’re being honest, Democrats are so much better at it.

Which brings me to the newest, Olympic-level slalom course in the mountains of Colorado, Fourth and Fifth streets and the obstacle courses they’ve become under the leadership of the Grand Junction Politburo also known as city council. And coming soon, the bunny slope version known as the Seventh Street project. After all, we simply can’t tolerate the devastating numbers these Autobahns of death have thrust upon the unwitting citizenry of Grand Junction and its visitors.

And now, many visitors will never visit downtown because they can’t drive their vehicles down two of the main corridors in and out of there unless they use the most favored mode of transportation desired by Beijing and our city council: the bicycle. And that’s only if one’s two-wheeler doesn’t get picked off by an opening passenger door in your bike lane — or conversely, for those lucky enough to have a pregnant (preferably electric) roller skate of a vehicle and one doesn’t lose their driver’s side door by opening it into the narrowed golf cart lane created by all the poles in the middle of what used to be perfectly working streets as we used to call them — as a driver attempts to do the impossible: parallel park.

Yeah, it’s a mouthful. Then again, so is any reasoning our city council will give as to why these projects keep moving forward. Even after the outcry and harsh criticism of the initial Fourth Street debacle, council feigned a second “listening tour” and went right ahead and began ruining Fifth Street. More insulting, council will tell you it did its due diligence and talked to more than  600 people who thought their Cancun condo presentation during the downtown farmers market was the panacea to all that ails driving and parking downtown would be henceforth and forever solved if only we planted some white PVC pipes in the middle of the road. Or they forgot to mention that last part.

Perhaps the attendees who take time to talk with city planners at civic events while stuffed with kettle corn, carrying bags (hopefully not plastic) of corn and crops “tchecking out the tchotchke” and tie-dye aren’t the best source of information on life-altering changes to make councilmembers feel better about themselves and their desire to say, “See that? I did that. My name is on the plaque as proof.” And, no, I don’t have anything against farmers market attendees. But I’ve indulged in the atmosphere myself, especially when it comes to kettle corn. I’m not doing interviews.

Call me crazy —  many will — but I would have discussed these projects with oh, I don’t know, downtown merchants and businesses owners, the folks who own the buildings and yes, even us rubes in the suburbs. Maybe even consider our first responders and their needs? You know, the people affected. But like all projects of massive need solving problems that aren’t real, the work began faster than you could start digging before sunup the morning after the yes vote for the mobile home, theater adjacent, on Seventh and Main.

Oh yes, solving problems that don’t exist while acting like big city folks who have the coolest, latest ideas put into action is an disease more infectious than any lab-created coronavirus when it comes to politicians. Like skateboard parks for the homeless (thank the Lord we are saving countless lives in solving the backups onto First Street for those in line for the skateboard park over there) and Taj Mahals as learning centers (wait until D51 finds out Montrose is proposing a high school to cost $200 million). Politicians will never be able to spend enough or put into place obvious stupidity fast enough for the common good.

The more politicians spend and do, the more speeches they can give and the bigger the monuments. After all, it’s why they ran.

Craig Hall is owner and publisher of the Business Times. Reach him at (970) 424-5133
or publisher@thebusinesstimes.com.