Please forgive me, but the pressure is too great to not publish this column. Full disclosure: I’m a New England Patriots fan, but like anything else in DeflateGate, that doesn’t matter.
You see, the whole Wells Report uproar isn’t about Tom Brady, Bill Belichick or the Patriots. It comes down to one thing: Just how long does it take a 48 year old guy to take a leak? As proof, I have been anonymously provided the following testimony between Ted Wells and the Patriots’ ball man.
Wells: Let’s talk about the stop you made at the bathroom on your way to the field. What did you do in the time you were in there?
BM: Went to the bathroom
Wells: Can you be more specific in terms of going No 1 or No. 2?
BM: I went No. 1?
Wells: Meaning you urinated?
BM: If that’s what we need to call it for the purpose of this interview, sure.
Wells: Do you normally urinate on the way to the field with the balls?
BM: No, I normally use something else in the same area to urinate.
Well: What I mean is, was this a scheduled stop? Do you have a routine schedule for going to the bathroom?
BM: No, I usually urinate when my bladder tells me to. And I suppose I have a routine for that. But in terms of other “routines,” I’m glad I still have that good bowel movement after my first cup of coffee each morning.
Wells: We’re getting off topic. Can you tell me where the balls were while you were urinating?
BM: They were in their sack.
Wells: I’m talking about the footballs, Mr. Ball Man.
BM: Let’s just say for the purpose of this water passing, every ball stayed in its appropriate sack. One sack in my general vicinity and the other two against the wall. I guess you could say balls to the wall, get it?
Wells: We’re once again getting off topic. Did you urinate standing up or sitting down?
BM: Why is that important?
Wells: I need to determine if you had an opportunity to tamper with the balls while you were urinating?
BM: I’m sorry, what?
Wells: Mr. Ball Man, if you were standing up, it would be nearly impossible to tamper with the balls while if you were sitting down, it opens possibilities, do you understand?
BM: I guess?
Wells: So did you tamper or adjust the balls in any way while urinating?
BM: I don’t know what balls you’re referring to, so I’ll try to answer your question as best I can. If you mean one set of balls, I believe I did a minor adjustment, but that is a natural, albeit an embarrassing fact of a man’s life with his male parts. As for tampering with balls while urinating standing up, if I could do that I’d have a lounge show in Vegas instead of this gig.
Wells: Once again, can we stay more focused?
BM: I would say juggling 12 balls while urinating standing up would take quite a bit more focus than any man has.
Wells: Fine! Can you tell us why it took you so long to urinate? We have statistics saying it takes a man of your age only about 30 or 40 seconds to urinate.
BM: Ummmm … I have stage fright.
Wells: Stage fright?
BM: Yes. As if this whole thing isn’t embarrassing enough. I have trouble urinating in public places.
Wells: But this was a private bathroom.
BM: But in a public stadium. You have no idea the pressure. OK, wrong word. Let’s just say things don’t go as fast as they should. Imagine that feeling with 20 drunk fans in line behind you at a game. I should get disability.
Wells: Can you tell me how much you urinated?
BM: No, I didn’t measure it. But once things started, it seemed pretty normal.
Wells: So you are saying it normally takes you 90 seconds to do your business?
BM: No, I am saying I had a normal stadium bathroom experience.
Wells: Did you have time to do anything else?
Wells: Aha! And what was that?
BM: I washed my hands and packed up everything else, balls and all.
Wells: So you’re saying nothing inappropriate occurred during your time in that bathroom?
BM: Other than the fact you freaks know how long I went to the bathroom to the exact second, no.
Wells: We’re just trying to get to the truth about the balls you handled that day.
BM: As I said, I washed my hands as far as one set goes. As for the others, Google the ideal gas law. Maybe then you’d understand that while all three sets of balls currently under discussion reduce in the cold and wet, two of them have equations you can use for their shrinkage. And the other set is off limits and will not be provided for this investigation.
Wells: Mr. Ball Man, you have been no help whatsoever. You can go now.
BM: If only someone had said that to me at the game. But what can I say? When you gotta go, you gotta go.
And that’s why the Wells Report is headed down the drain. I hereby propose we now refer to DeflateGate as Pass-WaterGate.