Then again, I’m being redundant in that second part.

As I type today, I find myself in the middle of two iconic battles – well, maybe three if I count my rambunctious feline known as Nico and his never-ending mission to get into places I don’t want or desire him to be in, which is basically all he does in a given day besides sleep.

Then again, Nico does sit on my lap and purr occasionally, so he gets a pass.

But not those dastardly ground squirrels in my back yard who have blindly decided the best place to build a nest is under the gas fireplace extension on the back of my humble abode. So, they are now marked for removal from the good life in my back yard and under my house. But no matter how much I take them out, they keep pulling me back in.

Truth told, this all started innocently enough (or better put, in my obliviousness) as one day I was out killing weeds with my favorite potion known as Roundup, and I looked along the back side of my home where a two-foot-tall mound of dirt had suddenly appeared. And I thought to myself, “I wonder what the lawn guys are doing over there?”

Kind of tells you how much knowledge and effort I put into my yard beyond playing the “Roundup Kid.”

Anywho, I came to discover this wasn’t the work of my industrious landscapers, but rather one “pain in the backside of my humble abode” ground squirrel. I mean, that little sucker moved a lot of dirt. More than I have in my 20 years of living here. One damned squirrel? Seriously?

Side note, if you ever want to know just how out of shape you are, just shovel around some dirt or stuff. I’m still sore from my latest project. Now, I know why my buddies Davey Boy and Chaz are in the shape they are in after retiring as “landscapers.” For the record, they did more than landscaping, and they are still in better shape than yours truly. But boy, they ache. More on that in a few.

So, what does Craigy do when faced with a formidable opponent that is smaller, but more tenacious, than Mr. Nico (who brings nothing to the table in the ridding of the rodent, btw) you ask? Simple, I ask others what to do, as I haven’t the slightest clue. The advice, set a trap, and use peanut butter when you do. Because while a blind squirrel may find a nut eventually, it will always find peanut butter, I guess.

Well, it worked like a charm. Problem solved? Hardly. That was five squirrels ago. And while my trap has no problem being reset to catch the next nut job crawling up my craw(lspace), Ol’ Craigy was at the point where he was about to grow a long, red moustache and go Yosemite Sam on these creeping critters of consternation.

But alas, instead of playing reruns of “To Catch a Crawlspace Critter,” I took the advice of the nice exterminator guy (who also killed the spider manifestation of the aforementioned crawlspace, so kudos to Jerry’s Pest Control) and did the humane thing and took away access to where my squirrel neighbors were squirreling away.

I bet at this point you may have asked what I do with the squirrels once I catch them. Let’s just say I send them off to their next life – do with that as you will.

But back to the subject of my soreness, and, so far, successful subjugation of said squirrels. First off, I cannot begin to describe how every inch of my body ached after digging my own personal Helm’s Deep around about 8 feet of fireplace footings, most of it on my hands and knees. And I still didn’t move as much dirt as that original damned squirrel. But moved dirt I did and then proceeded to place fencing mesh about 6 inches deep and a few “L-shaped” inches facing out to keep the pesky provocateurs from penetrating the perimeter.

Why just last night it appears we fended off two attacks of the Orcan offenders, and my outpost occupies the high ground. Or in this case, the low ground. So far, so good. But I’m gonna stay vigilant of these vivacious varmints, because where one once got in, another will surely try. Because what good is a varmint doing varmint-ing if it isn’t violating our life and livelihood? No wonder Yosemite was always in “varmint season.”

Which brings us, of course, to politicians. And yes, we should be removing them from office with the frequency of my backyard buddies and sending them into their next phase of life, which has more separation from public service than Phil Weiser’s front teeth. And in Colorado, nowhere is that more evident than our current run for replacing Pontius Polis in his perch of pontificating. Rarely has one man done so little for so many in such a small amount of time. Usually, you need a president to do this kind of damage.

But Polis was no piker when it comes to proliferating problems for you and me.

Which brings me to the two, and only two, squirrels yelling squirrel about all the nuts running to try to replace Jared, who can actually win the governorship. And that would be failed televangelist Victor Marx (seriously with that last name?), who will heretofore be known as Foster Marx, because he always sounds like he’s on the dais of a Dean Martin Roast, and Phil Weiser who will be heretofore known as the Weiser Weasel, because he only sues entities he goes on junkets with, because paying off the Weasel a small percentage of profits is just a cost of doing business in Colorado.

Frankly, just a little knowledge of either should have folks voting Greg Lopez just out of principle. After all, all we heard from opposition candidates in their own parties was another yelling, “Squirrel!!” when it came to pointing out another fault in the litany of faults as to why neither of these varmints should become governor. At least I’ve spoken with Greg in my lifetime, and while I don’t do endorsements, I know he cares about people and businesses in the exact opposite way our esteemed city councilman Jason Nguyen does not.

Sadly, as in pretty much any race of importance in American politics today, we only get to choose between the lesser of two, nut-job, interloping squirrels we don’t want to live under our house.

I suggest you start digging your trenches and fortifying your domains if you haven’t already. Because one of these squirrels is going to try to take over your property once elected. And even after we’re rid of that one, there are plenty more clawing and digging at our very life.

In Truth and freedom.

Craig Hall is owner and publisher of The Business Times. Reach him at 424-5133 or publisher@thebusinesstimes.com